With any breakup comes heartache and loneliness. I’ve often heard it’s best to adopt the “no contact” rule; meaning no phone calls, texts, or drive-byes. After all we’re not in high school any more, nor are we looking for a restraining order. The no contact rule means just that; no contact at all. And to be clear, I think that is the best practice. It supports moving on, keeps things clear, and doesn’t risk sending any mixed signals to your ex or yourself. It is often hard on the front end but in the long run the less contact the better and the most efficient way to break free of a relationship that has ended.
But we are all human and grownups. Chances are that regular sex was part of your relationship and part of what you’re missing due to the break up.
I saw my soon to be ex-husband recently, because of an issue we had with a property. He was helping me with something that was broken, working with his hands, orchestrating others and solving a problem. What can I say? He’s handsome. One of the things that I found very attractive of him to begin with was that he is in fact … attractive.
I wasn’t finding myself missing “him” or our relationship. I did find myself missing physical intimacy; being held, being kissed, being snuggled up with someone. I knew he’d be at the house around dinner time. I was cooking a steak for myself and didn’t want to be rude. So I offered him a meal that he was appreciative to have. I then offered him to stay, the implication clear. He said no.
Let me set modesty aside for a moment. I’m attractive, tall, and in shape. I felt a bit vulnerable suggesting it but I hoped for an evening of being physically close. His saying no was a bit of a surprise.
After some thought, and a bit of disappointment, here’s where I landed… Good for him!
I would have been able to be together physically and enjoy it for what it would be for me; physical intimacy with someone safe and predictable, who I had once loved. What it would have been for him was possibly emotionally painful, as I was the one who left our relationship, and full of mixed signals. After all would that mean we could sleep together again? He had clearly defined a boundary so he said no.
In retrospect, I was glad he said no. I was feeling lonely and missing physical connection so I let my boundaries down. He was feeling lonely and missing physical connection but maintained his boundaries. Because he turned me down I didn’t have to risk regretting my lapse of judgement or face the mixed signals my invitation may have sent.
I was feeling human. I’m a woman. Sex was not one of the problems we had. I forgive myself for my lapse of judgement and appreciate the fact he held on to his.
For now I’ll do what any respectable single woman does who’s not in a relationship. I’ll buy batteries.
